DOUG FISTER A.K.A. THUG FISTER A.K.A. MISTER FIST-YOUR-SISTER A.K.A. 60 FEET AND SIX INCHES PLUS NINE MORE INCHES IFUFEELME A.K.A. THE MERCED MAVERICK A.K.A. MOTOR CITY MOTORMOUTH A.K.A. AK47 DOUG A.K.A. THE KEYSER SOZE OF BASEBALL A.K.A. THE RON ARTEST OF POTTERY
I DON'T EVEN THINK THE PHILLIES UNDERSTAND WHO THEY GET TO SEE STANDING ON THE MOUND. IT'LL BE LIKE BEING ON LSD AND SEEING ICHABOD CRANE ON HALLOWEEN WITH A JACK-O-LANTERN IN HIS RIGHT HAND AND INSIDE OF THAT JACK-O-LANTERN IS VANCE WORLEY'S WIFE'S HEAD. ACTUALLY I THINK VANCE "PLAYS" FOR THE TWINS NOW AND HE MAY NOT EVEN HAVE A WIFE BUT IT STILL SENDS A MESSAGE
DOUG FISTER IS THE TYPE OF GUY TO GO ON CRAIGSLIST AND PRETEND TO SELL YOU AN OTTOMAN AND THEN PARLAY YOUR EMAIL SIGNATURE INTO A TREASURE TROVE OF INFORMATION AND THEN SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR IN THE MASK OF THAT THING FROM THE SAW MOVIES AND STEAL THE POSTCARD FROM YOUR NEPHEW AND THEN HEADBUTT YOU IN THE KIDNEY
PEOPLE ARE ALREADY HOLDING HIM BACK IN THE DUGOUT
