Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 48416 times)

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Offline The Chief

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #550: January 08, 2010, 08:45:12 AM »
Through sound reasoning I've determined that Sweden is the best place to live.  They have insanely fast internet, a welfare govt that actually works due to their small and fairly homogenous population, they have little to no strategic value geographically, and it's way too cold for anyone to bother going there anyway.  This is an added bonus when the zombie plague comes as all zombies will freeze during the winter, giving survivors an excellent opportunity to scrounge for supplies, reinforce dwellings, and eliminate defenseless zombies.  Geography and small populations will also ensure a relatively low upper limit on the number of zombies in scandinavia to begin with.

My logic is undeniable ;)

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #551: January 08, 2010, 12:50:08 PM »
Through sound reasoning I've determined that Sweden is the best place to live.  They have insanely fast internet, a welfare govt that actually works due to their small and fairly homogenous population, they have little to no strategic value geographically, and it's way too cold for anyone to bother going there anyway.  This is an added bonus when the zombie plague comes as all zombies will freeze during the winter, giving survivors an excellent opportunity to scrounge for supplies, reinforce dwellings, and eliminate defenseless zombies.  Geography and small populations will also ensure a relatively low upper limit on the number of zombies in scandinavia to begin with.

My logic is undeniable ;)

Wait, are these radioactive or viral zombies...it makes a difference.

Offline The Chief

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #552: January 08, 2010, 12:53:58 PM »
Wait, are these radioactive or viral zombies...it makes a difference.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Zombie_Survival_Guide

I've never heard of radioactive zombies before.  Unless of course you mean zombies that happened to have been exposed to large amounts of radiation, but that's a trivial concern since the zombies or infection from zombie bites would kill you long before the radiation.

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #553: January 08, 2010, 12:59:43 PM »
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Zombie_Survival_Guide

I've never heard of radioactive zombies before.  Unless of course you mean zombies that happened to have been irradiated, but that's a trivial concern since the zombies or infection would kill you long before the radiation.

Yes, I mean irradiated induced reanimation. I didn't mean the risk from the radiation, I just thought the irradiated zombies might do better in lower temperatures than viral zombies. Of course, then you have the whole slowing of decay thing going on. Maybe if it were really super cold then they'd get really slow and you could deal with them then, of course, zombies are pretty slow anyway. Meh.

Offline The Chief

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #554: January 08, 2010, 01:20:38 PM »
Yes, I mean irradiated induced reanimation. I didn't mean the risk from the radiation, I just thought the irradiated zombies might do better in lower temperatures than viral zombies. Of course, then you have the whole slowing of decay thing going on. Maybe if it were really super cold then they'd get really slow and you could deal with them then, of course, zombies are pretty slow anyway. Meh.

Ah you're talking about Night of the Living Dead-type zombies.  Those are just silly ;) :P

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #555: January 08, 2010, 01:51:08 PM »
Ah you're talking about Night of the Living Dead-type zombies.  Those are just silly ;) :P

You want to talk silly, I saw a movie about a year ago on Syfy (snicker) that had zombie GHOSTS! Can you believe it? Everybody knows there's no such thing as zombie ghosts. It was this old coal town where apparently like 100 years ago there was a mine accident and a bunch of little kids working in the mine got trapped and died. Fine. But then somehow they turned into the zombie ghosts that the town had to appease by leaving livestock out for them.

Offline CooperstownChris

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #556: January 08, 2010, 02:50:10 PM »
What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?


About halfway    :rofl:

Offline Obed_Marsh

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #557: January 09, 2010, 10:05:43 PM »
Delete this if it offends anyone...with my apologies. This joke was told to me by a Russian-American Jew who was translating what is apparently a common Russian joke.

A Russian walks into a bread store. There is a long line. When he finally makes it to the counter; he asks for bread. The owner says, "I'm sorry. We're out of bread." The Russian says "Ok. My family needs bread. I will be back in the morning."

A American walks into a bread store. There is a long line. When he finally makes it to the counter; he asks for bread. The owner says, "I'm sorry. We're out of bread." The American says "What the freak do you mean you are out of bread? I cannot believe this bullcrap. I won't be back."

A Israeli walks into a bread store. There is a long line. When he finally makes it to the counter; he asks for bread. The owner says, "I'm sorry. We're out of bread." The Israeli says "What is sorry?"

Offline PatsNats28

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #558: January 09, 2010, 11:49:46 PM »
don't get it :(

Offline Obed_Marsh

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #559: January 10, 2010, 07:50:01 AM »
don't get it :(

Granted no joke is funny once it is explained but here is my take...

The humor might be dependent on having been to Russia, Isreal, and the U.S; or at least knowing folks who identify culturally. I've been repeatedly going to Israel over the last decade and working with a global group with a handful of trips to Moscow and St. Petersburg.

Essentially it plays off the worst stereotypes of each country but acknowledges that each cultures response is not necessarily logical or appropriate. Granted, I might be defending it more than is justified because it made my friends laugh and talk about what it was like living in their country of origin and what it was like coming here.

I.E.

  • The Russian puts off action even when it is vital to himself and/or his family. This can be perceived as fatalistic. (Bonus points if you noticed the variation in phrasing; apparently this is very subtle in Russian but key in translating).
  • The American overreacts and if alternatives are not abundant hurts himself and possibly his family. This can be perceived as childish or self indulgent.
  • The Israeli acts and does not put much stock in words (therefore the apology seems extraneous and distracts from the message). This can be perceived as rude or impolite.

If treated like a puzzle, the appropriate response is to be polite, take whatever action is available, and consider others when reacting to adversity.

Sorry for detracting from dumb jokes. I'm veering off topic here.  :-[

Offline PatsNats28

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #560: January 10, 2010, 11:29:24 AM »
oh

Offline CooperstownChris

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #561: January 10, 2010, 11:34:16 AM »
What did the banana say to the monkey?

nothing bananas can't talk :rimshot:

Offline Obed_Marsh

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #562: January 11, 2010, 01:23:11 PM »
I am Sinking



Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #563: January 25, 2010, 11:50:08 PM »
"I've often been asked", says Harold, 'What do you older folks do, now that you're retired'?

"Well ... I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background," he replied.

"And one of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine, scotch, champagne and Baileys Irish Cream into urine."

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #564: January 27, 2010, 12:41:49 AM »
What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Fred and his wife,
Diane, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.."

He then addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Fred leaned over, touched Diane’s arm gently, and whispered,

'Gold Medal All-Purpose, isn't it?'

And thus began Fred’s life of celibacy..........

 

 

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #565: January 27, 2010, 12:43:48 AM »
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
 
 
 


 
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb founded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

 
 
 
An Irish priest is driving down to  New York and gets stopped for speeding in  Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest...

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'


Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #566: January 27, 2010, 12:46:13 AM »
Have You Ever Danced?

An old prospector shuffled into the town of  El Indio ,  Texas leading an old tired mule.  The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.  He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.  As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"  The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said,   "Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.  Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.  The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.  The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.  The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.  The silence was almost deafening.  The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


 

There are two lessons for us all here:


 

Don't waste ammunition.

Don't mess with old people.
 
I just love a story with a happy ending!




Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #567: January 27, 2010, 12:51:31 AM »
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion.
 
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over...
 
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.


Offline Nathan

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  • Wow. Such warnings. Very baseball. Moderator Doge.
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #568: January 27, 2010, 01:35:20 AM »
Salty, your jokes always give me a chuckle :lmao:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #569: January 27, 2010, 01:35:31 AM »

Offline The Chief

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #570: January 27, 2010, 12:20:00 PM »
Women, the best firewall in the world:

   1. One human cell contains 75MB genetic information.
   2. One sperm contains a half of that; that is 37.5MB.
   3. One ml of semen contains 100 million sperms.
   4. In average, ejaculation lasts for 5 sec and contains 2.25 ml semen.
   5. This means that the throughput of a man's member is equal to (37.5MB x 100,000,000 x 2.25)/5 = 1 687 500 000 000 000 byte/second = 1,6875 Тerabyte/sec

This means that the female eggcell withstands this DDoS attack at 1,5 terabyte per second, and only lets through one(!) data package, thereby being the best freaking hardware firewall in the world!

The downside of it is that this only small data package that it lets through, hangs the system for the whole of 9 months!

Offline Nathan

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  • Wow. Such warnings. Very baseball. Moderator Doge.
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #571: January 27, 2010, 02:41:13 PM »
:lmao: :spit:

Props for that one, Chief!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #572: January 28, 2010, 01:55:43 PM »
Did You Know This About Leather Dresses?

 

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally? ??

Ever wonder why?

It's because she smells like a new Truck
 

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #573: January 31, 2010, 02:19:31 PM »
Scam targeting older men
 

Clever Scam - taking advantage of older men

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall
and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen
for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it..


A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Lowe's or Home Depot
customers. This one caught me by surprise.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out
shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite
traumatic. Don't  be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or
your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-something girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping
your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost
falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.
When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to McDonalds.

You agree and they get into the back seat. On the way, they
startundressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and
starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I
had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th,
20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd,
26th & 28th, three times last Monday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take
advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found cheaper ones for
$1.99 at K- Mart and bought them out.. Also, you never will get to eat
at McDonalds. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth
to Lowe's and Home Depot.
 



Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #574: January 31, 2010, 05:06:43 PM »