So I wasn't even able to get through Sharknado Thursday night - too awful to sit through it all at once. Finished it today... wtf? How in the name of God does this tripe get green lit, financed and produced? It's a Saturday and I'm bored, but don't waste anymore time on this horrid film by reading further. It all boils down to: Worst movie in the history of mankind. Battlefield Earth has nothing on this puppy.
I truly understand the term 'mind blowing' for the very first time. Those final 30 minutes, I felt ready to lose consciousness from the inane absurdity of it all. I wish they'd share whatever they were on when they were filming, because it has to be some mind-bendingly good sh!t. I imagine I spent more time ripping this film apart writing this than they did making it, but c'est la vie. If for any reason you would care, spoilers ahead.
Bomb tornadoes? Oh, of course. Why didn't we think of that before? Tiny canisters of propane = dead tornado. And even deader sharks. I loved it... Sharks all over, three tornadoes hitting downtown LA. Idea to 'bomb tornadoes' by flying helicopters into them, which upon the intelligence of such a plan being questioned, they respond, 'What other option do we have?' Yes, truly, what else makes sense but to fly helicopters into tornadoes of sharks and throw propane canisters lit by flares. That is the only option, obviously. Duh.
What I love more? Big bad ass hurricane hitting LA, sharks infesting the streets. Meanwhile, at its very worst they show people in goddamn outdoor swimming pools going about business as usual. Liquor stores open and running. Because in the midst of even a tropical storm, clearly retirement homes have their peeps swimming casually like on a nice summer day. Awesome message sent too - steal cars, break through police barricades, then run from the f***ing police now chasing you! Of course the vehicle you stole has a nitrous booster button, so buh-bye, coppers!
The ending? I knew they were going to have crazy girl end up surviving after being *eaten by a freaking shark from a helicopter in a tornado thousands of feet in the air.* I mean come on, isn't it obvious that any one of a dozen variables there don't mean instant death?
So instead, hero dude gets eaten by the same shark, now on the ground, that eats crazy girl in the air. With a freaking chainsaw, only to pop out with girl in tow. And the love triangle there isn't too creepy, is it? Hero dude loves crazy girl. Hero dude's son is the same age as the chick he's banging. Then in the final minute the chick ends up with her beau's son for no reason. Nope, not creepy or disgusting in the slightest.
But despite all that, one thing drove me nuttier than all the insanity - there's making camp and cheesing it up, that's one thing. When they have crazy girl go on about being a little girl who went out to sea with her grandad and four others? Masterful storytelling right there folks. Goddamn sharks ate her grandpa! Now, finally, revenge is hers! Except... She then details being rescued by the coast guard in helicopters. Not five f***ing minutes later she's in a helicopter with hero dude's son to bomb the shark filled tornadoes, looking scared to death. Hero dude's son looks over and says, 'First time in a chopper, huh?' 'Yeah,' she responds meekly.
There's parody/moronic, unrealistic camp. Long as people watch it, it'll get made. But to put two scenes back to back like that... Leaving both in the final cut? My god. Obviously there are studios just handing out free money, so where can we sign up? A homeless crack addict could have written, directed and starred in this piece of excrement and have it be more watchable. A goddamn chimp could have made a better film - screw a thousand typewriters over a thousand years. One chimp, one hour - 'Idjsnsk' would be infinitely superior, at the very least make more sense, than Sharknado.
The most depressing part of all, a Google showed the guy behind this made Boo a few years ago. Horror films largely suck for the same reasons as Sharknado, but I remember Boo as a pretty decent take on a haunted hospital. The blaxploitation actor plot was pretty cool, if memory serves. How you go from that to this blows my mind.
My occasional rants on NBC Universal being the biggest pile of dung in modern entertainment - any network funding and airing crap like this on a weekly basis needs to die. Any Sci-Fi network is the only hope of risky, unproven but totally innovative and wild concepts by young writers/directors, the next Firefly/Whedon/Abrams/Whatever on a shoestring budget. Or use what little money is available for these types of projects into Sharknado, and Blast Vegas or whatever the hell the name of this week's masterpiece is. Speaking of, I see Frankie Muniz is starring in Blast Whatever... Good grief, I thought it was an epic fall even for Tara Reid to 'star' in one of these. How does a promising young actor go from Malcolm to this? His career is done for, obviously.
