Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 34466 times)

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Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #25: October 06, 2007, 04:24:16 PM »
Q: What do you get when you cross a tree with a baseball player?

A: Babe Root.

Offline NatsAddict

  • Posts: 4095
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #26: October 07, 2007, 10:46:44 PM »
UPS Gripes Sheets


Just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly
A plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called
a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problem, document their repairs on the form,
and then the pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots
and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way,
UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Pilot: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
Maintenance: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

Pilot: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
Maintenance: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Pilot: Something loose in ****pit
Maintenance: Something tightened in ****pit

Pilot: Dead bugs on windshield.
Maintenance: Live bugs on back-order.

Pilot: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
Maintenance: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Pilot: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
Maintenance: Evidence removed.

Pilot: DME volume unbelievably loud.
Maintenance: DME volume set to more believable level.

Pilot: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
Maintenance: That's what friction locks are for.

Pilot: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
Maintenance: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

Pilot: Suspected crack in windshield.
Maintenance: Suspect you're right.

Pilot: Number 3 engine missing.
Maintenance: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

Pilot: Aircraft handles funny.
Maintenance: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

Pilot: Target radar hums.
Maintenance: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

Pilot: Mouse in ****pit.
Maintenance: Cat installed.

And the best one for last..................
Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Maintenance: Took hammer away from midget

Offline NatsAddict

  • Posts: 4095
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #27: October 07, 2007, 10:55:20 PM »
Those are really funny!  Where did you find that?


I forget the original source - probably Yahoo's joke section.

Offline nospinzone1

  • Posts: 3083
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #28: October 07, 2007, 11:09:57 PM »
WHAT DO YOU CALL A CUBAN BORN OF A JEWISH MOTHER AND A CUBAN FATHER?

YUBAN!

Offline CALSGR8

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  • BE LOUD. BE PROUD. BE POSITIVE!
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #29: October 07, 2007, 11:13:06 PM »
The one that circulates in my area is.

What do you call a person who lives between Dumfries and Manassas

Dumassas  (OOPS, did I just cuss  :-[ )

Offline Kenz aFan

  • Posts: 5433
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #30: October 07, 2007, 11:14:54 PM »
The one that circulates in my area is.

What do you call a person who lives between Dumfries and Manassas

Dumassas  (OOPS, did I just cuss  :-[ )

Is Dumasses like Molasses, only not as fast?

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #31: October 07, 2007, 11:17:36 PM »
 :lol:

Offline nospinzone1

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #32: October 07, 2007, 11:30:16 PM »

Offline saltydad

  • Posts: 3703
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #33: October 08, 2007, 02:13:04 AM »
NatsAddict- those are simply priceless!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #34: October 08, 2007, 03:11:17 AM »
Hillbilly Birth

Deep in the back woods, of Letcher County Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing!"

Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there", said the doctor, "Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down I think theres another one coming."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!" Said the doctor.

Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby "No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems theres yet another one coming!" cried the doctor.

The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, . . .


"You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #35: October 08, 2007, 07:51:50 AM »
 :rofl:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #36: October 12, 2007, 12:19:57 AM »
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging 2 plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.

 
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills
falling out of that bag."

"Damn!" says the little old lady... "I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
 
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop, "How did you get all that money?
 Did you steal it?"
 
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs on St.
Pat's Ball Park. Each time there's a game; a lot of fans come & pee in
the bushes & right into my flower beds! So, I go & stand behind the bushes
with a big hedge clipper. Each time someone sticks his thingy through
the bushes, I say $20 or off it comes!"

"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "some guys think I'm bluffing."


Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #37: October 12, 2007, 12:22:26 AM »
OUCH!   :shock: :lol:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #38: October 16, 2007, 04:51:42 PM »
NoSpin, this one is for you:

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence. He pulls him out and says, "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with him, "No, noooo, Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"
The border patrol agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him, and says "OK, I'll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence."
The Mexican man of course agrees.
The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The three words are: green, pink and yellow. Now use them in one sentence."
The Mexican man thinks really hard for about two minutes, then says, "Hmmm, OK. The phone, it went green, green, green... I pink it up, and sez yellow?"

Offline nospinzone1

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #39: October 16, 2007, 08:53:09 PM »
OUCH!

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #40: October 17, 2007, 12:01:55 AM »
Very punny  :D

Offline saltydad

  • Posts: 3703
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #41: November 04, 2007, 04:58:32 PM »
TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart.
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.
4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With Some.


Offline nospinzone1

  • Posts: 3083
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #42: November 05, 2007, 10:30:30 PM »
 
Moses
 
This is cute no matter what your political views are.
 
Recently, while going through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead. The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the president.
 
The president pulled a Secret Service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man not look like Moses to you The Secret Service agent looked at the man and agreed.
 
"Well," said the president, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak. Watch!"Again the president yelled, "Moses!" and again the man ignored him.
 
The Secret Service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?" The man leaned over and whispered back, "Shhhh! Yes, I am Moses. The last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East with no oil."

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #43: November 05, 2007, 10:36:17 PM »
That's cute.  Mind if I copy and send to friends!   :lol:

Offline nospinzone1

  • Posts: 3083
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #44: November 06, 2007, 12:42:48 AM »
That's cute.  Mind if I copy and send to friends!   :lol:

BE MY GUEST

Offline nospinzone1

  • Posts: 3083
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #45: November 07, 2007, 06:42:32 PM »

> T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T
> A business man got on an elevator.
>
> When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him
> with a bright, 'T-G-I-F.'
> He smiled at her and replied, 'S-H-I-T.'
> She looked puzzled and repeated, 'T-G-I-F,' more slowly.
> He again answered, 'S-H-I-T.'
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest
> smile, and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F.'
> The man smiled back to her and once again, said 'S-H-I-T'
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
>
> 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?'
> The man answered, ''S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey. It's Thursday.'

Offline natsfan1a

  • Posts: 6512
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #46: November 07, 2007, 07:07:07 PM »
:rofl:

Offline natsfan1a

  • Posts: 6512
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #47: November 07, 2007, 09:08:32 PM »
To continue with the blonde and TGIF theme:

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A: Toes Go In First.

Offline nospinzone1

  • Posts: 3083
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #48: November 07, 2007, 11:32:05 PM »
WHAT DID THE JAP ORDERED FOR DINNER?





RESERVATIONS!

Offline NatsAddict

  • Posts: 4095
Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #49: November 28, 2007, 02:43:37 PM »
Ed is in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from zero to 200 in less then 12 seconds...AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!"

The next morning, Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.



Ed has been missing since Friday. Please pray for Ed.