Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 30787 times)

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Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #625: September 19, 2011, 05:18:39 PM »
 ;)

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #626: September 23, 2011, 05:25:39 PM »
OLD LADIES HOTEL BILL An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $250.00. She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center which are available for use." "But I didn't use them," she said. "Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said. "But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied. No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!" The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. "But madam, this check is only made out for $50.00." "That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied. "But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.. "Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have." Don't mess with Old Ladies!!!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #627: October 19, 2011, 03:40:57 PM »
The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews
And testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman..

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
The men to a large metal door and handed
Him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
In a chair .. . . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
Quiet for a bout 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
Have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
Same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
Gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
After another. They heard screaming, crashing,
Banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
Quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
Woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to

Beat him to death with the chair.'

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #628: October 28, 2011, 05:07:29 PM »
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into
the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank
Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have
heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and
the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to g o in traffic and avoid traffic
jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made
a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He
would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was
always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never
made a mistake.
No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow.

Online DPMOmaha

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #629: November 07, 2011, 11:02:08 PM »
How does Darth Vader let someone know he is mad at them?










He gives them the Death Stare.

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #630: November 21, 2011, 08:13:10 PM »
 
                 The Irish Funeral

                   A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

                   A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one.

                   Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.


                   The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:


                   "I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"


                   "My wife's."


                   ''What happened to her?"
                   "She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."

                   He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

                   The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

                   A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

                   "Can I borrow the dog?"

                   The man replied, "Get in line."
 

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #631: November 22, 2011, 12:12:26 PM »
Love it!

Offline Nathan

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #632: January 22, 2012, 09:55:01 PM »
A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
 
"Son, where were you today?"
The son says, "At school, Dad."
Robot slaps the son.
"Okay, I watched a DVD at my friend's house!" the son says.
"Which DVD?" asks the dad.
"Toy Story."
Robot slaps the son again!
"Okay, it was a pictureso!" cries the son.
"What? ! When I was your age, I didn't know what pictures was," says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad.
Mom laughs, "Hahaha! He certainly is your son!"
Robot slaps the mom.
Awkward silence...

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #633: January 22, 2012, 10:34:06 PM »
LOL!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #634: April 26, 2012, 04:04:25 PM »

Offline RobDibblesGhost

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #635: April 26, 2012, 07:36:08 PM »
An Amish family from Lancaster County recently came down to Northern Virginia for the wife's sister's wedding.  They found themselves at Tyson's Corner one day, their first visit ever to a shopping center.  The father and son were exploring the mall and came to the center court.  There, they saw the elevator doors open up and a frail old lady with a walker get on.  The doors closed behind her, and then a few minutes later, the doors opened again and a beautiful blond 25-year old woman got off.  The father turned to his son and said "Son, I have no idea what the hell that thing is, but go get your mother!"

Offline Nathan

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #636: May 05, 2012, 06:22:45 PM »
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #637: May 06, 2012, 09:26:34 AM »
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York.

This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day.

The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.


Good one!

Offline Nathan

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #638: June 25, 2013, 04:31:53 PM »
Thread necro!

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knght with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #639: June 25, 2013, 04:47:15 PM »
Oh that is Horrible!   :spit: :hammer: :punch:

Online DPMOmaha

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #640: June 26, 2013, 12:17:59 AM »
I love terrible jokes.  Here's one:

A young man was in love with two women.  He cared deeply for both of them.  The first one was a skilled wordsmith.  She wrote some of the most beautiful poetry he'd ever heard.  The other was a talented chef.  She made the most incredible pancakes.  He was having such a terrible time making the decision he sought some wise counsel from a trusted friend.  After explaining his conundrum his friend thought for a while and finally said, I think I understand, you can't decide whether or not to marry for batter or verse.

Offline Nathan

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #641: June 26, 2013, 02:08:18 AM »
Oh that is Horrible!   :spit: :hammer: :punch:

At least I didn't post some of the programmer stuff :lol:

Offline Frau Mau

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #642: June 26, 2013, 10:20:40 AM »
I work on a study with some very elderly participants, this is one of their jokes, but fits the bill here:

"Did you hear about the girl that lost her left arm and her left leg?"

"She's alrighty!"

Offline Copecwby20

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #643: June 26, 2013, 03:12:42 PM »
Why do elephants paint their toe nails red?

So they can hide in cherry trees

Have you ever seen an elephant hiding in a cherry tree?

Because it freaking works

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #644: September 06, 2013, 10:06:07 PM »
A man walks into the dentist's surgery and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist tells him, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man says.

The dentist asks, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replies, "The light was on.”
 :rimshot:

Online imref

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #645: September 06, 2013, 10:59:24 PM »
A man walks into the dentist's surgery and says, "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth."

The dentist tells him, "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

"Yes, I know," the man says.

The dentist asks, "So then why did you come in here?"

The man replies, "The light was on.”
 :rimshot:

i can almost picture Henny Youngman telling that one.

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #646: September 07, 2013, 11:07:47 AM »
Good one!

Offline Copecwby20

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #647: September 09, 2013, 04:32:06 PM »


4 year old's first job:  Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her 20 little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.  The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."  "Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those jerks at Home Depot ever deliver the freakin' drywall..."

Offline GburgNatsFan

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #648: September 09, 2013, 05:45:11 PM »
:lmao:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #649: November 05, 2013, 02:55:10 AM »


Selma Epstein made a trip to Cohen’s butcher shop every Thursday in preparation for Shabbat, and one Thursday she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.

"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "Brisket?"

The dog shook his head.

"Roast?" suggested the butcher.

The dog shook his head.

"Lamb?" tried the butcher.

The dog wagged his tail excitedly.

The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Thursday and Mrs. Epstein was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.

Mrs. Epstein was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"

"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."