DUMB JOKE

[PANatsFan]

Link at Zappos.com labeled "DON'T EVER CLICK THIS"

[saltydad]

Three Ladies in a Sauna

THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING NAKED IN A
SAUNA.

SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND
THE BEEP STOPPED.

THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER", SHE SAID. "I
HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM
TO HER EAR..

WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A
MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD
TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT
TO THE BATHROOM..

SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.

THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.

THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID.........."WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT... I'M
GETTING A FAX!!"

[saltydad]

A day late for St. Patrick's Day.


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?' 

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied. 

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.' 

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'






Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy
went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics
across?'

[saltydad]

A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,

'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to  Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'





 

[saltydad]

Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,

Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as
'HILLBILLIES.'

You must now refer to them as --
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS!

And furthermore --

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She is a ' BREASTED AMERICAN. '


2. She is not 'EASY' - She is

'HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.'

3. She is not a ' DUMB BLONDE ' - She is a

'LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY..'


4. She has not 'BEEN AROUND' - She is a
'PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION.'


5. She does not 'NAG' you - She becomes
' VERBALLY REPETITIVE..'

6. She is not a 'TWO-BIT HOOKER' - She is a
' LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.'

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:


1. He does not have a 'BEER GUT' - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.'

2. He is not a 'BAD DANCER' - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.'

3. He does not 'GET LOST ALL THE TIME' - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.'

4. He is not 'BALDING' - He is in 'FOLLICLE REGRESSION.'

5. He does not act like a 'TOTAL ASS' - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.'

6. It's not his 'CRACK' you see hanging out of his pants - It's 'TROUSER CLEAVAGE'!
__________________

[Frau Mau]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that
her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee
and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere
she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?"

"Well, no," she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said, "Your finger is broken."

 

[CALSGR8]

A few "In the Bleachers"  Comics.  One is dedicated to Marquis.  The Other to PANATS:

[CALSGR8]

This one is for all those with expecting wives.

[saltydad]

Ever wonder in your relationship, how 'the fight' started...: a little
humor for a change  


 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift.
 
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
 
When she asked him why, he replied,
 
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
 
And that's how the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
 
I turned to her and said,
 
'Do you want to have Sex?'
 
'No,'
 
she answered.
 
I then said,
 
'Is that your final answer?'
 
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
 
So I said,
 
'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
 
And that's when the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.
 
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
 
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
 
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
 
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
 
And that's when the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the
channels.
 
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
 
I said, 'Dust.'
 
And then the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said,
 
'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
 
I bought her a scale.
 
And then the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table. I asked her, 'Do you know him?'
 
'Yes,' she sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since.'
 
'My'! I said, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?'
 
And then the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
I rear-ended a car this morning...So, there we were alongside the road
and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
 
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things
just seem funny?
 
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
 
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
 
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
 
So, I looked down at him and said,
 
'Well, then which one are you?'
 
And then the fight started...
 
~~~~~~~~~~
 
When our lawn mower broke, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get
it fixed.
 
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the
truck, the car, playing golf. Always something more important to me.
 
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
 
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.
 
I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway.'
 
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[DPMOmaha]

Bumper sticker of the day as seen on white minivan on O St. in downtown Lincoln, NE: "Sex is my favorite sport.  It's always free and doesn't need any special shoes."

[saltydad]

Bumper sticker of the day as seen on white minivan on O St. in downtown Lincoln, NE: "Sex is my favorite sport.  It's always free and doesn't need any special shoes."

[CALSGR8]

Bumper sticker of the day as seen on white minivan on O St. in downtown Lincoln, NE: "Sex is my favorite sport.  It's always free and doesn't need any special shoes."

Low uniform costs!  It also helps if you DON'T keep score!

[saltydad]

SOUTHERN TEN COMMANDMENTS
 Some people have trouble with all those 'shall's' and 'shall not's' in
 the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren't used to talking in those
 terms. So, in middle Tennessee they translated it into
 ‘Jackson County’ language.... (posted on the wall at Cross
 Trails Church in Gainesboro , TN ).
 
 (1) Just one God
 (2) Put nothin' before God
 (3) Watch yer mouth
 (4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin'
 (5) Honor yer Ma & Pa
 (6) No killin'
 (7) No foolin' around with another fellow's gal.
 ( Don't take what ain't yers
 (9) No tellin' tales or gossipin'
 (10) Don't be hankerin' for yer buddy's stuff
 
   
 And bless your little heart....

[CALSGR8]

Yep that about covers it!

[comish4lif]

Courtesy of the late, great Redd Foxx...

What's the difference between Pickpockets and Peeping Toms?
.
.
.
.
Pickpockets snatch watches.

[imref]

how do you tell a snowman from a snow woman?
.
.
.
.
.
.
snow balls

[DPMOmaha]

So, Larry King is evidently on a comedy tour now that he's retired (which seems like a joke all unto itself), and he was on "Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me" this week.  He finished his segment with this joke:

"A man was taking an Amtrak train ride overnight from New York to Chicago and had a ticket for the sleeper cabin.  The man begins to settle into his bunk when a woman walks in.  Now, this is not something that normally Amtrak would do, but the route was sold out and the woman didn't object.  She took the bottom cabin and the man took the top one.  A couple of hours into the ride, the man said 'Ma'am, I'm a little chilly do you mind if I borrow a blanket for the rest of the ride?' The woman responded 'Well, we you know, it's just the two of us in here, and it's just this one night, we'll never see each other again, if you wanted, we could play husband and wife for this evening, would that be ok with you?'  The man replied, 'sure, that would be ok.'  'Then get your own damn blanket,' the woman said and went back to sleep."

[saltydad]

During a recent password audit, the IT technician found that the blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDew​eyDonaldGoofyTallahassee"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"

[The Chief]

During a recent password audit, the IT technician found that the blonde receptionist was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDew​eyDonaldGoofyTallahassee"
When asked why she had such a long password, she rolled her eyes and said: "It has to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital!"

That password would actually be more secure than the kind they really wanted her to use /buzzkill

source - http://xkcd.com/936/

I'd hate to have to type it every time I sat down, though

[hammondsnats]

dumb joke:

the nats are a good baseball team

[CALSGR8]

No, a dumb joke is a Redskin Quarterback saying we're going to win the NFC East!

[imref]

can we get this back on topic:

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”

The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.” 

[imref]

and one more:

A guy has a talking dog. He brings it to a talent scout. "This dog can speak English," he claims to the unimpressed agent. "Okay, Sport," the guys says to the dog, "what’s on the top of a house?" "Roof!" the dog replies. "Oh, come on..." the talent agent responds. "All dogs go ‘roof’." "No, wait," the guy says. He asks the dog "what does sandpaper feel like?" "Rough!" the dog answers. The talent agent gives a condescending blank stare. He is losing his patience. "No, hang on," the guy says. "This one will amaze you. " He turns and asks the dog: "Who, in your opinion, was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "Ruth!" goes the dog. And the talent scout, having seen enough, boots them out of his office onto the street. And the dog turns to the guy and says "Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

[saltydad]

I was in a public toilet and had just sat down when a voice from the next stall said "Hi, how are you?"

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine"

The voice said "So what are you up to?"

I said, "Just doing the same as you, sitting here"

The voice said, "Can I come over?"

Annoyed, I said "I'm rather busy right now"

The voice said, "Listen, I will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions"
__________________

[Nathan]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."