Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 29303 times)

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Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #175: March 08, 2008, 09:43:31 AM »
My dad was a good story teller but I did not inherit that gift.

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #176: March 08, 2008, 09:46:21 AM »
My dad was a good story teller but I did not inherit that gift.

My dad wasn't a story teller.  He's sit quietly and listen to the discussion.  If anyone left any kind of opening...... Zing he'd say something funny!  I did inherit that gift at times!

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #177: March 08, 2008, 09:48:15 AM »
I can attest that you come up with some good ones.

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #178: March 08, 2008, 09:49:22 AM »
I can attest that you come up with some good ones.

Thanks

Offline blue911

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #179: March 08, 2008, 11:31:21 AM »
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

Makes me wish I had a glass eye.

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #180: March 08, 2008, 11:45:51 AM »
Makes me wish I had a glass eye.

That way it can glaze over and MEGO! (My eyes glaze over contributed by 1a)

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #181: March 08, 2008, 02:40:03 PM »
Joke, NOT SO DUMB! 



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Offline ronnynat

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #182: March 08, 2008, 02:44:18 PM »
^ I seriously had a girl on my Little League team that chased butterflies (or anything else flying) in left field. The shortstop would have to go get anything hit out that way. :?

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #183: March 08, 2008, 05:34:32 PM »
Lessons My Mother Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC...
"If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE...
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD...
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP...
"Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE...
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR...
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT...
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me ABOUT SEX...
"How do you think you got here?"

My mother taught me about GENETICS...
"You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS...
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE...
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION...
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING...
You are going to get it when we get home.

And my all time favorite thing- JUSTICE
"one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU...then you'll see what it's like."

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #184: March 08, 2008, 08:33:55 PM »
Good ones!

Regarding the comic above.

In highschool, I was the manager (person who set up the field, kept the water bottles filled and kept score) or our varsity softball team (WALTER JOHNSON HIGH SCHOOL).  Our coach used to yelll at the players when they didn't throw properly, "YOU THROW LIKE A GIRL".  I liked this comic because it puts THROWING LIKE A GIRL in a more positive light.

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #185: March 08, 2008, 08:46:17 PM »
Sounds like Peanuts!

Sounds like Lucy!

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #186: March 09, 2008, 09:00:12 AM »
Please don't take offense, but this is one of those Dumb Blond Jokes:

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
'Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started.'
 
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?'
 
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.'
 
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him
in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
 
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able
 to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.'
 
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I
want you to relax.
 
Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....'
 
He sighed..............'Let's put all the
Frosted Flakes back in the box.'

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #187: March 09, 2008, 10:10:21 AM »
That's cute.

Online CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #188: March 10, 2008, 06:43:47 PM »
  Subject: NEVER ARGUE WITH A WOMAN

One morning, the husband returns the boat to
 their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and
 decides to take a nap.

 Although not familiar with the lake, the wife
 decides to take the boat out.
 She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts
 her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent.
 Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his
 boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning,
 Ma'am. What are you doing?"

 "Reading a book," she replies, (thinking,
 "Isn't that obvious?"). 
 "You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he
 informs her.
 "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm
 reading."
 "Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
 For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take
 you in and write you up."

 "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with
 sexual assault," says the woman.
 "But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.
 "That's true, but you have all the equipment.
 For all I know you could start at any moment."
 "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

 MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads.
 It's likely she can also think.

Send this to four women/girls who are thinkers.

If you receive this, you know you're intelligent.

Online saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #189: March 10, 2008, 06:56:50 PM »
^ This is good....thanks.

Offline NatsAddict

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #190: March 15, 2008, 08:07:02 PM »
REPLACEMENT WINDOWS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them.  He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Halloo........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking     sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE  YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!  Helllooooo?  It's been a year!  I told him.  There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.  He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

Online saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #191: March 24, 2008, 06:03:26 PM »
Reporters CNN Journalist Christianne Amanpour and Former CBS Journalist Dan Rather, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Christianne Amanpour said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Amanpour dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me," said the soldier.

"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me," insisted the Israeli.

So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him.

The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the soldier was untying Rather and Amanpour, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you first?"

"What?" replied the Israeli, "And have you two schnooks report that I was the aggressor?!"

Online saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #192: March 24, 2008, 06:05:27 PM »
Yehudah Tzvi Windweher arrived at Ellis Island and asked his friend "What would be a good American name for me? I want it to be Jewish, but more American."

His friend replied, "Sam Cohen, that's a good American Jewish name."

Yehudah Tzvi began his long walk up a massive flight of steps leading to the immigration office. With each step he said, "Sam Cohen, Sam Cohen," in an earnest effort to learn his new name. When he finished carrying his luggage to the top of the flight, he was winded and tired.

A large immigration officer caught Yehuda Tzvi off guard when he said, "NAME?" in a booming voice. A flustered Yehudah Tzvi replied "Shoyn fargesin" ("I already forgot" in Yiddish).

The immigration officer replied "Sean Ferguson, welcome to the United States of America!"

Offline nospinzone1

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #193: March 24, 2008, 06:57:20 PM »
could have been worse: Jose Jimene

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #194: April 01, 2008, 10:43:14 PM »
Cute cartoon:

Online saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #195: April 01, 2008, 11:25:08 PM »
^^  love it!

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #196: April 06, 2008, 06:39:57 PM »
RedNeck Haiku:

Jake learns on first try
not to use dynamite when
he goes ice fishing

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #197: April 12, 2008, 06:03:23 PM »
Dog Who Played Baseball

During the local match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.

'That's incredible!' he exclaimed to the man next to him.

'Yes,' he said, 'but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a footballer.'

Online saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #198: April 20, 2008, 10:01:22 PM »
Strange Hospital Chart Notations
 
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient was prepped and raped in the usual manner.

Examination reveals a well-developed male laying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

The patient suffers from occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.


Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #199: April 20, 2008, 10:14:00 PM »
:rofl: Those are great!

p.s. Nice pic - you wouldn't by any chance be missing a stapler? :lol: