Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 28770 times)

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Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #125: February 15, 2008, 12:30:58 AM »
Yeah, a friend of mine sent me those one time too!  Good ones Salty!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #126: February 15, 2008, 12:46:12 AM »
Along those same lines:

http://www.crazy-jokes.com/pictures/cartoons_208.shtml

Thanks for the link. From there:





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Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #127: February 15, 2008, 12:49:19 AM »
Yeah, a friend of mine sent me those one time too!  Good ones Salty!

The Picante Sauce is my favorite! :lol:

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #128: February 15, 2008, 12:56:39 AM »
Same site.  I like.

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Offline tomterp

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #129: February 15, 2008, 03:01:57 PM »
The Sensitive Man


A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end
up leaving together.



They get back to his place,



and as he shows her around his
apartment.
She notices that one wall of his
bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet,cuddly teddy bears.


There are three shelves in the
bedroom,

with hundreds and hundreds of cute,

cuddly teddy bears carefully placed
in rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken
quite some time to lovingly arrange them

and she was immediately touched

by the amount of thought he had
put into organizing the display.


There were small bears all along
the bottom shelf,


medium-sized bears covering the
length of the middle shelf,
and huge, enormous bears running
all the way along the top shelf.


She found it strange for an
obviously masculine guy

to have such a large collection ofTeddyBears,

She is quite impressed by his
sensitive side.

but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and
continue talking and,

after awhile, she finds herself
thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips


He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds,
and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom

where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she
responds with more passion,
more creativity, more heat than she
has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night
of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in
the afterglow.

The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly,
'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her,

strokes her cheek,
looks deeply into her eyes,

and says:







'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #130: February 15, 2008, 03:21:03 PM »
I would have left after seeing all of the teddy bears, I think.  :lol:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #131: February 15, 2008, 03:35:37 PM »

'Help yourself to any prize
From the middle shelf'



 :rofl: :rofl: :worship: :worship: :rofl: :rofl:

Offline tomterp

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #132: February 15, 2008, 03:48:03 PM »
I would have left after seeing all of the teddy bears, I think.  :lol:

C'mon 1a, every woman wants one off the top shelf, doesn't she?   ;)   :lol:

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #133: February 15, 2008, 03:53:22 PM »
All I have to say to that is :nono: :lol:

C'mon 1a, every woman wants one off the top shelf, doesn't she?   ;)   :lol:

Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #134: February 16, 2008, 08:43:29 AM »
 What those words on yearly performance reviews REALLY mean

   1. Outgoing personality - Always going out of the office
   2. Great presentation skills - Able to bullsh**
   3. Good communication skills - Spends lot of time on the phone
   4. Work is first priority - Too ugly to get a date
   5. Active socially - Drinks a lot
   6. Independent worker - Nobody knows what he/she does
   7. Quick thinking - Offers plausible excuses
   8. Careful thinker - Won't make a decision
   9. Uses logic on difficult jobs - Gets someone else to do it
  10. Expresses themselves well - Speaks English
  11. Meticulous attention to detail - A nit picker
  12. Has leadership qualities - Is tall or has a louder voice
  13. Exceptionally good judgment - Lucky
  14. Keen sense of humur - Knows a lot of dirty jokes
  15. Career minded - Back stabber
  16. Loyal - Can't get a job anywhere else
  17. Plans for promotion/advancement - Buys drinks for all the boys
  18. Of great value to the organization - Gets to work on time
  19. Relaxed attitude - Sleeps at desk

Offline 2IPAs

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #135: February 16, 2008, 11:02:52 PM »
I definitely try to emulate #6 while at work!

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #136: February 17, 2008, 09:06:57 AM »
I definitely try to emulate #6 while at work!


I try to fight off #19.

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #137: February 17, 2008, 11:18:22 PM »
YOU KNOW YOU'VE BEEN OUT OF COLLEGE TOO LONG WHEN...

~ Your potted plants stay alive.

~ 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.

~ You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

~ You carry an umbrella.

~ You watch the Weather Channel.

~ Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook-up and break-up.

~ You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

~ Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

~ You're the one calling the police because those kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.

~ You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

~ Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

~ You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.

~ Sleeping on the couch is a no-no.

~ You no longer take naps from noon to 6:00 p.m.

~ Dinner and a movie: The *whole* date instead of the beginning of one.

~ MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.

~ You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.

~ Grocery lists are longer than macaroni & cheese, Diet Pepsi, and Ho-Ho's.

~ Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.


=============================

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #138: February 17, 2008, 11:19:59 PM »
A 5 year old's first job
      
Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot.  One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them 'gems-in-the-rough,' more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.  At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars 'pay' she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.  The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those jerks at Home Depot ever deliver the f _ ckin' sheet rock."


Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #139: February 18, 2008, 07:09:44 AM »
 :funny:

Yeah, you gotta watch what you say around kids.  They're like parrots!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #140: February 19, 2008, 05:41:38 PM »
Hello Ma?"

"Shirley darling, what's the problem?"

"Oh, Ma, I don't know where to begin. The kids are sick with the flu. The fridge just broke. The sink is leaking, and in two hours the women from the sisterhood are coming. What should I do?"

"Shirley darling, don't worry. I'm going to get on a bus and go into the City. Then I'll take the train out to Long Island. Then I'll walk the two miles from the station to your house. I'll take care of the kids, cook a nice lunch for the ladies, and I'll even make dinner for Barry."

"Barry -- who's Barry?"

"Barry -- your husband."

"But Ma, my husband's name is Steve. Is this 536-3530?"

"No, it's 563-3530."

(pause)

"So does that mean you're not coming?"

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #141: February 19, 2008, 05:45:17 PM »
A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a rabbi are discussing what they would like people to say after they die and their bodies are on display in open caskets.

Priest: I would like someone to say "He was a righteous man, an honest man, and very generous."

Minister: I would like someone to say "He was very kind and fair, and he was very good to his parishioners."

Rabbi: I would want someone to say "Look, he's moving."


Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #142: February 19, 2008, 07:24:27 PM »
The History Channel had interviews with Comedians last night.  I hope I retell this right.

A young man of 16 had just gotten his driver's license.

He asked his father if he could borrow the family vehicle

His father said, son before you can borrow the vehicle, you must show some responsibility.  You have to do 3 things:

1.  Study hard and get good grades
2.  Read the Bible
3. Get a hair cut.

A month or so later, the boy returns to ask his father if he could now borrow the family vehicle.

HIs father said.  Son, I'm proud of you.  You've kept up with your studies.  You read passages from the Bible and go to church on Sundays.  However, you still need a hair cut!

The son protested.  But Dad, in the Bible many great people had long hair.  Jesus had long hair.

Father's reply.  "And how did Jesus and those men get around?  THEY WALKED!"



I thought it was kind of cute.

Offline nospinzone1

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #143: February 20, 2008, 11:47:42 AM »
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street and pass a florist where the redhead sees her boyfriend buying a bouquet of flowers.
The redhead sighs and says, "Oh crap, my botyfriend is buying me flowers again.
"The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "You don't like getting
flowers from your boyfriend?"
The redhead replies,
"I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
"The blonde appears puzzled, and asks,
"Don't you have a vase?"

Offline nospinzone1

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #144: February 20, 2008, 12:07:32 PM »
Official Announcement:
The federal government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!

Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that.

Offline NatsAddict

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #145: February 20, 2008, 09:36:20 PM »
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.

FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!

So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."

The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.

The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Online DPMOmaha

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #146: February 22, 2008, 01:45:20 PM »
The History Channel had interviews with Comedians last night.  I hope I retell this right.

A young man of 16 had just gotten his driver's license.

He asked his father if he could borrow the family vehicle

His father said, son before you can borrow the vehicle, you must show some responsibility.  You have to do 3 things:

1.  Study hard and get good grades
2.  Read the Bible
3. Get a hair cut.

A month or so later, the boy returns to ask his father if he could now borrow the family vehicle.

HIs father said.  Son, I'm proud of you.  You've kept up with your studies.  You read passages from the Bible and go to church on Sundays.  However, you still need a hair cut!

The son protested.  But Dad, in the Bible many great people had long hair.  Jesus had long hair.

Father's reply.  "And how did Jesus and those men get around?  THEY WALKED!"



I thought it was kind of cute.

I saw that too, it was funny.  The father was a pastor though which adds a nice little twist to it I think.  I laughed at that one.

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #147: February 23, 2008, 01:45:50 PM »
From today's Washington Post.  I love Big Nate:



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Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #148: February 23, 2008, 02:45:31 PM »
What's with all the baseball jokes today?!!



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Offline natsfan1a

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #149: February 23, 2008, 04:13:49 PM »
Those are funny, calsgr8.