More Cubs fun . . .
Q: What did Jesus say to the Cubs last time he was on Earth?
A: "Don't do anything til I get back."
What is the difference between hot dogs sold at Wrigley Field, and Hot dogs sold at U.S. Cellular Field?
The Hot Dogs at U.S. Cellular are still available in October.
"Noise pollution can't be that much of a problem. There's nothing to cheer about."--State rep. John F. Dunn, arguing for the installation of lights at Wrigley Field
"The only bad thing about being released by the Cubs is that they made me keep my season tickets."--Ken Rietz, ex-Cub third baseman
"One thing you learn as a Cubs fan: When you bought your ticket, you could bank on seeing the bottom of the ninth."--Joe Garagiola
"The Chicago Cubs are like Rush Street--a lot of singles, but no action."--Garagiola again
Did you hear about the new Cubs soup?
Two sips and then you choke
"The latest diet is better than the Pritikin Diet. You eat only when the Cubs win."--pianist George Shearing
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Cubs fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were Cubs fans too. Not really knowing what a Cubs fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. One girl has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Cubs fan."
Then, asks the teacher, what are you?
"Why I'm proud to be a Chicago White Sox fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks the girl why she is a White Sox fan.
"Well, My Dad and Mom are Sox fans, and I'm a Sox fan too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says the girl, "I'd be a Cubs fan."
What is the difference between a Cubs fan and a bag of manure? The bag.
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and Wrigley Field?
A: A porcupine has 40,000 pricks on the outside.
There is rumor they are relocating the Chicago Cubs franchise to the Philippines, and renaming them the "Manila Folders."
It was so foggy today that the Cubs couldn't even see who was beating them.
The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs have the same chip in their scoreboard.
Well, it's time for the All-Star game again, or as the Cubs call it, baseball fantasy camp.
What do the Chicago Cubs infield and Michael Jackson have in common?
They all where gloves on their left hands for no apparent reason.
The last time the Cubbies won a world Championship was 1908:
Several major events have occurred since the Chicago Cubs last laid claim to a World Series championship:
1. Radio was invented; Cubs fans got to hear their team lose.
2. TV was invented; Cubs fans got to see their team lose.
3. Baseball added 14 teams; Cubs fans get to see and hear their team lose to more clubs.
4. George Burns celebrated his 10th, 20th, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 70th, 80th, 90th and 100th birthdays.
5. Haley's comet passed Earth twice.
6. Harry Caray was born....and died. Incredible, but true.
7. The NBA, NHL and NFL were formed, and Chicago teams won championships in each league.
8. Man landed on the moon, as have several home runs given up by Cubs pitchers.
9. Sixteen U.S. presidents were elected.
10. There were 11 amendments added to the Constitution.
11. Prohibition was created and repealed.
12. The Titanic was built, set sail, sank, was discovered and became the subject of major motion pictures, the latest giving Cubs fans hope that something that finishes on the bottom can come out on top.
13. Wrigley Field was built and becomes the oldest park in the National League.
14. Flag poles were erected on Wrigley Field roof to hold all of the team's future World Series pennants. Those flag poles have since rusted and been taken down.
15. A combination of 40 Summer and Winter Olympics have been held.
16. Thirteen baseball players have won the Triple Crown; several thanked Cubs pitchers.
17. Bell-bottoms came in style, went out of style and came back in.
18. The Chicago White Sox, Cleveland Indians, Boston Red Sox and the Florida Marlins have all not only won the World Series, but have each won the world series TWICE!
19. The Cubs played approximately 14,500 regular-season games; they lost the majority of them.
20. Alaska, Arizona, Hawaii, Oklahoma and New Mexico were added to the Union.
21. In 1908, Russia was ruled by an all powerful Czar. Since then, there has been a revolution, communism became the world's greatest political menace, and then collapsed. Think about that.
22. In 1908, Women couldn't vote, and African Americans had no civil rights to speak of.
23. There have been 7 popes elected.
24. In 1908, an earthquake and resulting tsunami killed 70,000 to 100,000 in southern Italy and Sicily. Cubs still shook up.
What's the difference between Bigfoot and a knowledgeable Cubs fan?
Bigfoot has been sighted before.
The Three Bears are getting a divorce. The judge drags little Baby Bear in front of him and asks, "Who do you want to live with? Do you want to live with Mama Bear. Baby bear thinks for a while and says "Nooo, I don't think I want to live with Mama Bear. She beats me." The judge, somewhat agast, then asks, "Do you want to live with Papa Bear?" Again, Baby Bear says, "Nooo, I don't want to live with Papa Bear either. He beats me too." The judge, now totally amazed, asks, "Well who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear thinks and thinks and finally says "I want to live with the Chicago Cubs! They don't beat anybody!"
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "241." "That's wonderful!" says Einstein. "We can talk about the Grand Unification Theory and the mysteries of the universe. We will have so much to discuss!!" Next, Einstein introduces himself to a woman and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the woman answers, "144." "That's great!" responds Einstein. "We can discuss politics and current affairs." Finally, Einstein goes to yet another person and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Einstein immediately responds. "How about those Cubbies?"