Hysterical article on Pujols by Jim Caple of ESPN

[natsfan4evr]

This is one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

Here are some of the best parts:

New York Mets: Owner Fred Wilpon's current cash-flow issues preclude the Mets from offering a multiyear contract of any amount. However, Wilpon says he can offer to invest the $16 million Pujols earns this season and guarantee a return of at least 18 percent every single season, which will give Pujols more than $1 billion within 30 years. And if the investment somehow "disappears" at that point, well, Pujols will be 62 and can start drawing social security.

Kansas City: The Royals will offer Pujols a deal that allows him to please the union and play in St. Louis. They will sign him to a 10-year, $300 million contract, then trade him to the Cardinals for prospects six months later when it looks as though the deal won't work out and the team thinks it needs to change directions yet again.

Los Angeles Dodgers: Frank McCourt will offer Jamie's half of the divorce settlement to Pujols. Jamie will offer him Frank's half of the divorce settlement.

Pittsburgh: The Pirates will offer Pujols a 10-year contract guaranteed to always be exactly $1 more than what the rest of the team is making combined. Pujols will turn this down, naturally, because it will be far less than what every other team is offering him.

Baltimore: The Orioles will offer Pujols a nine-year, $270 million contract plus lucrative lifetime rights to sell barbecue sandwiches from his very own concession stand after he retires. To avoid infringing on Boog Powell's turf, however, Pujols will have to sell his sandwiches as a vendor while hiking up and down the stadium hollering, "Barbecue sandwiches, here! Get your piping-hot sandwiches!"

Cleveland: The Indians will offer Pujols a minor league contract because that's where they keep their best players.

Washington: The Nationals will emulate Republicans and Democrats in D.C. by "listening to the people" and offering Pujols $300 million that they don't have, deferring all payments (plus interest) to the next owner.

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=caple/110216_albert_pujols_free_agent&sportCat=mlb

[imref]

greatness:

Texas: The Rangers are willing to offer Alex Rodriguez's old contract to Pujols, by which they mean the $25 million they still owe A-Rod from the contract to which former owner Tom Hicks signed Rodriguez in 2000. They also are willing to give him Michael Young's locker, plus Young's jersey and all of Young's at-bats, all of which "we're sure Michael will be totally cool with."

New York Yankees: The Steinbrenners will offer Pujols a 10-year, $500 million contract, then petition the league to add another designated hitter to the lineup, preferably for the shortstop by 2014.