Author Topic: Jokes, Puns,Knock-Knocks, Humorous Stories for Amusement in the Off-Season  (Read 2989 times)

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Offline CatsEye

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  • Very weird season -Creepy - What....
    Shall we start a new thread for this off-season with sports jokes, humorous sayings, famous people jokes, sports sayings, knock-knock jokes, puns, to pass the time, put a smile on our faces till the winter meetings and Fans Fest. (Let's try to keep this semi-clean) Okay - so I will start out with my favorite joke of all time:

                    The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey song died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in.
Then the trouble started......


                
        

Offline 1995hoo

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A cowboy goes to the psychiatrist after not being able to sleep for several weeks.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well, doc, I was out in Indian country for a few days, and since I've been back, I keep having these weird dreams."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well, the first night I had a dream about wigwams. Then the next night I dreamed about tepees. Then the next night it was wigwams again, then tepees—"

The doctor interrupts: "I think I see your problem. You're just too tents."

Offline cmdterps44

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A cowboy goes to the psychiatrist after not being able to sleep for several weeks.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well, doc, I was out in Indian country for a few days, and since I've been back, I keep having these weird dreams."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well, the first night I had a dream about wigwams. Then the next night I dreamed about tepees. Then the next night it was wigwams again, then tepees—"

The doctor interrupts: "I think I see your problem. You're just too tents."

Nathan: joke used in wow :lol:




I have a funny story. It's really for anyone that's seen the movie Bad Santa. If you have or haven't I am still going to explain a part. Billy Bob Thornton stays at a little kids house (well he takes advantage of him by staying there). This kid is enthused to always make Billy Bob a sandwich. He will literally ask him that every scene they show him. Throughout the movie, you finally realize the kids name is Thurman Murman, in a really funny scene. Its a decent comedy.


Anyway, some years ago I was in spanish class and we had a cultural night party where we had to bring in dishes from a different culture for extra credit. We had to sign our name and say what dish we brought. After the newly created sheet was passed around the room and people put their names and dishes down, it finally reached me. When I looked through to see what other people were bringing, I noticed someone put the name "Thurman Murman" down and that they are bringing "Sandwiches".

It was definitely one of those "had to be there moments" but I lost it. I was amazed that someone put that down. It's such a small reference but it literally nailed it. I laughed for a good 5 minutes.

Offline CatsEye

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  • Very weird season -Creepy - What....
 Okay, here are two more:
  
   "Why was Cinderella so lousy at baseball?
   She ran away from the ball and she had a pumpkin for a coach....."
:mg:


          AND

   "How many Canadiens does it take to change a lightbulb?

    Four. One to go across the border to buy the bulb at the factory outlet -one to screw it in-one to translate everything into French - and one to drop the puck......"  :mg:


   Cheers......... :cheers:

Offline tomterp

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How many wahoos does it take to change a flat?

Two - one to mix the drinks, while the other one calls daddy.       :mg:

Offline ronnynat

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

Offline Frau Mau

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A three legged dog walks into a saloon.

He says "I'm looking for the man that shot my paw".

Offline Nathan

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Nathan: joke used in wow :lol:
:lmao:

It's the human male's /silly isn't it?

Offline CatsEye

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  • Very weird season -Creepy - What....
      
                A frenchman walks into a bar. He has a parrot on his shoulder, and the parrot is wearing a baseball cap. The bartender says. " Hey, that's neat -where did you get that?"  

                 And the parrot says, "France -they've got millions of them there."
 
:mg:
          
                                           AND

               A thief breaks into a bar and is heading right for the cash register when he hears a voice behind him say,"GOD is watching." He turns around, but he doesn't see anything, so he goes back to the cash register. Again he hears, "GOD is watching". So he turns around and sees a parrot over in the corner. He goes over to it and says, "What's your name?"

                "John the Baptist", replies the parrot.

                "That's a funny name for a parrot", says the thief. "Who named you that"?

                  The parrot says, " My owner -the same guy who named the Rottweiler "GOD"........
:mg:


Offline 1995hoo

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How many wahoos does it take to change a flat?

Two - one to mix the drinks, while the other one calls daddy.       :mg:

A Virginia fan is driving north on a two-lane road. At the same time, a Maryland fan is driving south on the same road. As they approach each other, they both encounter deer crossing the road and they swerve to avoid them. Unfortunately, they crash into each other in doing so. Both cars are utterly mangled.

The Virginia fan gets out of his car first and finds that he is miraculously unhurt. "I can't believe I survived this," he mumbles. Then the Maryland fan gets out of his car and he is also amazed that he survived.

The Virginia fan says to the Maryland fan," I think we probably ought to view this accident as a sign from God that we ought to put aside our silly rivalries and live as friends." The Maryland fan thinks about it for a minute and says, "I think you're right. Clearly our surviving is a message."

Then the Virginia fan says, "Let's see if anything else in the cars survived this accident." He starts rummaging around in the remains of his car and finds that, somehow, a full unopened bottle of bourbon survived the crash. He walks over to the Maryland fan and says, "Look at this. I can't believe this bottle didn't shatter. Clearly God is telling us to toast to our newfound friendship with this bottle of bourbon."

The Maryland fan thinks this is a fine idea (and who wouldn't need a drink after a big car crash?). The Virginia fan says, "Proper friendship says that the host goes last. Since it's my bottle of bourbon, you may have the first drink."

So the Maryland fan grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down bourbon like Bluto in Animal House. After he's consumed about half the bottle, he hands it back and says, "OK, your turn."

The Virginia fan pauses......he looks at the bottle.....then he looks at the Maryland fan.....then he looks at the bottle again.....and he pauses a little longer.....

.....and then he puts the stopper back in the bottle and says, "Nahhhh, that's OK, I think I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."

Offline tomterp

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A Virginia fan is driving north on a two-lane road. At the same time, a Maryland fan is driving south on the same road. As they approach each other, they both encounter deer crossing the road and they swerve to avoid them. Unfortunately, they crash into each other in doing so. Both cars are utterly mangled.

The Virginia fan gets out of his car first and finds that he is miraculously unhurt. "I can't believe I survived this," he mumbles. Then the Maryland fan gets out of his car and he is also amazed that he survived.

The Virginia fan says to the Maryland fan," I think we probably ought to view this accident as a sign from God that we ought to put aside our silly rivalries and live as friends." The Maryland fan thinks about it for a minute and says, "I think you're right. Clearly our surviving is a message."

Then the Virginia fan says, "Let's see if anything else in the cars survived this accident." He starts rummaging around in the remains of his car and finds that, somehow, a full unopened bottle of bourbon survived the crash. He walks over to the Maryland fan and says, "Look at this. I can't believe this bottle didn't shatter. Clearly God is telling us to toast to our newfound friendship with this bottle of bourbon."

The Maryland fan thinks this is a fine idea (and who wouldn't need a drink after a big car crash?). The Virginia fan says, "Proper friendship says that the host goes last. Since it's my bottle of bourbon, you may have the first drink."

So the Maryland fan grabs the bottle and starts guzzling down bourbon like Bluto in Animal House. After he's consumed about half the bottle, he hands it back and says, "OK, your turn."

The Virginia fan pauses......he looks at the bottle.....then he looks at the Maryland fan.....then he looks at the bottle again.....and he pauses a little longer.....

.....and then he puts the stopper back in the bottle and says, "Nahhhh, that's OK, I think I'll just wait for the cops to arrive."

 :clap:

Sounds like a "win-win" to me!

Online JMW IV

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  • Name on the Front > Name on The Back

Offline Nathan

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Impressive artistic rendering.

Offline 1995hoo

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So I bought a digital kitchen timer shortly before Thanksgiving. It times three things at once and it can be carried around the house, whereas my other timer is built into the microwave and so isn't very portable.

The following is an excerpt from the instruction sheet. Note the part highlighted in the red box.


Offline Nathan

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"in case a child has been swallowed, immediately to the hospital for treatment."

:lmao:

Offline 1995hoo

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Seen on VERSUS last night. They originally ran the trivia question with the typo. Then they failed to correct it when they gave the answer (shown here).


Offline blue911

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Seen on VERSUS last night. They originally ran the trivia question with the typo. Then they failed to correct it when they gave the answer (shown here).

(Image removed from quote.)


So now we know what Debbi Taylor does in the off season

Offline 2IPAs

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1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
          He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2.    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island,
           but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

   3.    She was only a whiskey maker,
              but he loved her still.

   4.    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class,
               because it was a weapon of math disruption.

   5.    No matter how much you push the envelope,
             it'll still be stationery.

   6.    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road
           and was cited for littering.

   7.    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result
               in Linoleum  Blownapart.

   8.    Two silk worms had a race.
              They ended up in a tie.

   9.    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
             The police are looking into it.

  10.    Time flies like an arrow.
               Fruit flies like a banana.

  11.    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12.    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
               One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

  13.    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger.
              Then it hit me.

  14.    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
              'Keep off the Grass.'

  15.    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was
              a small medium at large.

  16.    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray
              is now a seasoned veteran.

  17.    A backward poet writes inverse.

  18.    In a democracy it's your vote that counts.
           In feudalism it's your count  that votes.

  19.    When cannibals ate a missionary,
              they got a taste of religion.

  20.    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris,
             you'd be in Seine .

  21.    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead
          raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says,
               'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger..'

  22.    Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
              One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

  23.    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they
           lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you
          can't have your kayak and heat it too.

  24.    Two hydrogen atoms meet.  One says, 'I've lost my
            electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?'
            The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

  25.    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
          during a root  canal?
          His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26.    There was the person who sent ten puns to ten friends,
            with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
                No pun in ten did.






Offline saltydad

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My boyfriend asked me how many men I've slept with. I proudly said "only you sweety,.... the others were all awake".
I'm recovering in hospital now.

Offline GburgNatsFan

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It looks like they just ran it through babblefish or Google translate and said "good enough!' :D
So I bought a digital kitchen timer shortly before Thanksgiving. It times three things at once and it can be carried around the house, whereas my other timer is built into the microwave and so isn't very portable.

The following is an excerpt from the instruction sheet. Note the part highlighted in the red box.

(Image removed from quote.)

Offline saltydad

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PHONE REPAIR

Lawrence, Kansas, December 12, 2008
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.


Thought you'd like to know.
 
 

Offline Nathan

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Two Ladies Talking after their passing!


1st woman:    Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman:   Hi! Nancy.  How'd you die?

1st woman:    I froze to death..

2nd woman:   How horrible!

1st woman:    It wasn't so bad.... After I quit  shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman:   I died of a  massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act.   But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman:    So, what happened?

2nd woman:   I was so sure there was another woman  there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement.  Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds.  I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman:   Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

Offline saltydad

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Old Fart Football



An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'



His wife rolls over and says,

'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says , 'Touchdown, tie score...'



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha.

I'm ahead 14 to 7.'



Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by a woman,

so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable,

he gives it everything he's got,

and accidentally ****s in the bed.



The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'



The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Offline imref

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A cowboy goes to the psychiatrist after not being able to sleep for several weeks.

"What seems to be the problem?" asks the doctor.

"Well, doc, I was out in Indian country for a few days, and since I've been back, I keep having these weird dreams."

"What sort of dreams?"

"Well, the first night I had a dream about wigwams. Then the next night I dreamed about tepees. Then the next night it was wigwams again, then tepees—"

The doctor interrupts: "I think I see your problem. You're just too tents."

i'm going to use that in a cub scout skit.