Author Topic: Jokes, Puns,Knock-Knocks, Humorous Stories for Amusement in the Off-Season  (Read 3076 times)

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Offline imref

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    Shall we start a new thread for this off-season with sports jokes, humorous sayings, famous people jokes, sports sayings, knock-knock jokes, puns, to pass the time, put a smile on our faces till the winter meetings and Fans Fest. (Let's try to keep this semi-clean) Okay - so I will start out with my favorite joke of all time:

                    The man who wrote the Hokey-Pokey song died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into his coffin. They put his left leg in.
Then the trouble started......


               
         

we have a cub scout skit called "high chief japutcha" that we do at campouts.  One scout is the high chief, the other scouts, one by one, walk up to him and say "high chief, is it time for japutcha?"  He answers no each time until the last scout walks up.  At that point he says "yes, it is time for japutcha" and they all line up and sing "japutcha left foot in......"

Offline imref

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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!"

wow.

Offline imref

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1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
          He acquired his size from too much pi.



those sounded like something mitch hedberg would have written.

Offline saltydad

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Finding new courage that he never knew he had, he stormed into the kitchen and announced
to his wife, “From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word
is the ‘Law.’ You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am
done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert. After
dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want!
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing
music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and
hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby. Then tomorrow,
guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

The wife replied, “The funeral director would be my first guess, .”

Offline CatsEye

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  • Very weird season -Creepy - What....
    A near - sighted whale was following the submarine. Every time it shot a torpedo, the whale passed out cigars.

    A dog owner takes his sick dog to the vet. The vet examines the dog and pronounces it terminally ill. The pet owner requests a second opinion. So the vet brings in his own kitten, and the kitten examines the sick dog and shakes his head. The pet owner requests another opinion. This time the vet brings in his Labrador retriever, who jumps up on the examining table with the sick dog, sniffs and licks it and then also shakes his head. The pet owner, now convinced, ask how much he owes the vet. The vet says he owed $650. The pet owner is surprised and ask why the bill is so high. The vet replies that the exam was only $50, but the additional $600 was for the cat scan and the lab test.

    Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?    He sold his soul to Santa.....

    And finally: A young man went on a job interview. The manager, conducting the interview, asked, "Where are your from, son?" The young man replied, "Minnesota sir."  "Oh really,why did you leave Minnesota?" asked the manager. The young man replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."
"My wife is from Minnesota," responded the manager. The young man replied quickly, "Really! What team did she play for?"
                            :mg:

Offline CALSGR8

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Good ones Catseye!  Cat scan and lab test!  LOL!

Offline CatsEye

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  • Very weird season -Creepy - What....
 A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
 As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter, and you didn't pay for your sandwich."
 The panda yells back at the bartender, " Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!"
 The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: " A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eat shoots and leaves."     
       :mg:

Offline saltydad

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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Subj: New Security Device from Israel

 
 Don't know if this is for real but it's a great idea!



 
:
Subject: New Israeli airport security - brilliant!
 
 
 

TEL AVIV, Israel — The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners. It's an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person.

Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial profiling. It will also eliminate the costs of long and expensive trials.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter, an announcement: “Attention to all standby passengers, El Al is proud to announce a seat available on flight 670 to London. Shalom!”

BRILLIANT.
 

Offline Mathguy

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All the toilets in NYC police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

Offline CALSGR8

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All the toilets in NYC police stations have been stolen.  The police have nothing to go on.

I'll have to tell that to the guard that lets me in my building.  He/She may like that! 

Offline Mathguy

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England has no kidney bank.  But it does have a Liverpool

Offline CALSGR8

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Along the same lines as Mathguy

Why do we park in a Driveway and Drive on a Parkway?

Offline imref

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There are two penguins in a rowboat in the middle of a desert. One penguin says to the other, "Where's your oar?". The other replies,"It sure does".

Offline Nathan

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  • Wow. Such warnings. Very baseball. Moderator Doge.

Offline imref

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Wat

"wears" your oar (as in "wears it out")

I heard it on the scoutmastercg podcast the other day.

Offline Obed_Marsh

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More something I saw a tshirt but I don't really want to start a thread for that...

Quote
The real 7 deadly sins.

Apathy.
Cruelty.
Duplicity.
Hypocrisy.
Fale Morality.
Abuse of Power.
Cultivated Ignorance.

Offline saltydad

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A girl asks her boyfriend to come on Friday night to meet and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, " I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Offline Frau Mau

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 :rofl:

Good one, didn't see that coming!

Offline GburgNatsFan

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Fale Morality? Fake?
More something I saw a tshirt but I don't really want to start a thread for that...



Offline Obed_Marsh

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Offline imref

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Offline Ali the Baseball Cat

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What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
A mechanic.

Offline Copecwby20

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Old Fart Football



An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'



His wife rolls over and says,

'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'



A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says , 'Touchdown, tie score...'



After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,'Aha.

I'm ahead 14 to 7.'



Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, 'Touchdown, tie score.'



Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,

'Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.'

Now the pressure is on the old man.



He refuses to get beaten by a woman,

so he strains real hard.

Since defeat is totally unacceptable,

he gives it everything he's got,

and accidentally ****s in the bed.



The wife says, 'What the hell was that?'



The old man says, 'Half time, switch sides

Wonder if the ol' lady would get mad if I tried to "Block the kick"

Offline 1995hoo

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Thought for the day:

An optimist believes a glass is half-full.

A pessimist believes the same glass is half-empty.

An auditor complains that the glass is double the size it should have been.

Offline GburgNatsFan

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What's Irish and stays out all night?

Patty O'Furniture.


Happy St. Patrick's Day.