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The Apocryphal Offices of Substance Abuse and Rehab released a study today that warns that substance abuse is in danger of being on the rise, particularly around later innings, among the fan base of the Washington Nationals. This comes after the announcement from manager Manny Acta today that he plans to carry seven relievers when the season starts on April 6th. “You need only see the list of possible candidates,” says Dr. Peter Venkman, Chief Director of the A.O.S.A.R. Names like Wil Ledezma, Garrett Mock, and Gary Glover on a baseball roster would drive anyone to some sort of unacceptable temptation.”While relief pitchers in baseball have become common practice, especially in the later innings such as the sixth, seventh, eighth, and ninth innings, there is much concern over the Nationals relief corp considering majority of their starting pitching hardly has lasted to the fifth inning in years past.This opens an enormous window of opportunity for people prone to or for the first time experiencing anything from alcoholism and pot to hard drug use or turning the volume down on the game and taking part in chronic masturbation. Louis Tully, Nationals fan, former alcoholic: “We didn’t have this problem back in ‘05, says Tully. That is when our bullpen rocked! Since then you could keep track of the decline through the stats, the names and how the liquor cabinet empties out. This year we’ve got Kip Wells and Jason Bergmann? Jesus Christ, my wife will kill me if she finds out I am back on the sauce! I might actually have to try cocaine.”The Washington Nationals have not commented on these shocking and spurious findings, but are well aware that the bullpen will be in for a rough year and have tried to lighten the load by signing reliever Joe Beimel.However, Jack Daniels Inc., High Times, and former DC Mayor Marion Barry all call the study preposterous and that there is no facts linking their respected products of choice to the performance of the Washington Nationals bullpen. “That’s like…bulls**t, dude,” says High Times contributor Jeffery Lebowski.Only time and the regular season will tell what the performance of the Nationals relievers will be, but there is worry that every time Manny Acta makes a call to the bullpen, substance abusers will be making calls to their dealers or liquor cabinets.
