DUMB JOKE

[CALSGR8]

Those and the one I put in one of the Congress hearing threads were all either in Today's post or on my Yahoo page today. 

Even in the comics, baseball is coming back!

[natsfan1a]

Those are funny, calsgr8. Here's an oldie:



[attachment deleted by admin]

[CALSGR8]

Good one.

Think the Pretzel Nate wants is a Curly W pretzel?!!   

[natsfan1a]

I was wondering about that.

Think the Pretzel Nate wants is a Curly W pretzel?!!   

[nospinzone1]

The Pasta Diet
 
1) You walka pasta da bakery.
 
2) You walka pasta da candy store.
 
3) You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
 
4) You walka pasta da table and fridge.
 

/b]

[CALSGR8]

 

This one a friend just sent to me:

A Nun Grading Papers

Imagine yourself to be the nun who  is sitting at her
desk grading these papers all the while trying to
maintain her composure and keep a straight face . . .

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF
YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS
HILARIOUS !  IT COMES FROM A CATHOLIC  SCHOOL TEST.
KIDS WERE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD & NEW
TESTAMENTS.  THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS WERE WRITTEN BY
CHILDREN.  THEY HAVE NOT BEEN CORRECTED. 

1.  IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS,  GOD
GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH
OFF.

2.  ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND
THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3.  LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT
A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY
THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5.  SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED
ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE
APOSTLES.

7  MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA ! WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8,  THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE
TEN COMMANDMENTS

 9.  THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO
EAT THE APPLE.

10.  THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT
ADULTERY.

11.  MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA THEN
JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12.  THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA
TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13.  DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT
PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE
OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15.  WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE
SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE
ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.

17.  JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE
CONTRAPTION.

18.    ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS
HEAD.

19.  JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO
EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20.  IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD
AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21.  THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE
12 DECIBELS. 

22.  THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23.  ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO
A TAXIMAN.

24  ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED
HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25.  CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED
MONOTONY.

[CALSGR8]

A neighbor sent this to me.

TEE HEE -------- very appropriate........ are we sick and tired of hearing about primaries??!!  It's only going to get worse as the year wears on ;-)

 While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit
 by a truck and dies.

 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the  entrance.

 "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in,  it seems

 there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,

 you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

 "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

 "Well, I'd like to, but I  have orders from higher up.
 What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.
 Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

 "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

 "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

 And with  that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
 down, down, down  to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the

 middle of a green  golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and
 standing in front of it  are all his friends and other politicians
 who had worked with  him.

 Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,
 shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while
 getting rich at the expense of the people.

 They play a  friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar
 and  champagne.

 Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has
 a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good
 time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

 Everyone gives him a hea rty farewell and waves while the elevator
 rises...

 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.

 Peter is waiting for him.

 "Now it's time  to visit heaven."

 So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group  of contented
 souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing.  They

 have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone
 by  and St. Peter returns.

 "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and  another in heaven. Now
 choose your eternity."

 The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
 "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been
 delightful, but  I think I would be better off  in hell."

 So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,  down,
 down to hell.

 Now the doors of  the elevator open and he's in the middle of a 
 barren land covered with  waste and garbage.

 He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and
 putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. "I
 don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and
 there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,

 drank champagne, and danced and had a great time.
 Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
 miserable. What happened?"

 The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were
 campaigning


 Today you voted."

[saltydad]

Loved the children's responses on the test. You have to watch out for those ferocious Finkelsteins!
Thanks Calsgr8.

[CALSGR8]

Loved the children's responses on the test. You have to watch out for those ferocious Finkelsteins!
Thanks Calsgr8.

Yeah, I think plenty of people here would probably like the book of "GUINESSIS".  Many would have a pint from that book

[saltydad]

Yeah, I think plenty of people here would probably like the book of "GUINESSIS".  Many would have a pint from that book

 

[nospinzone1]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS
 
AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS. AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.' HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.' 'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY THAT?' 'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[nospinzone1]

HOPE IT DOES NOT LOSE IN THE TRANSLATION

A MAN BOARDS A PLANE IN MEJICO TO GO TO NY AND WHEN HE SAT DOWN HE DISCOVERS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN ENTERING DE PLANE. SHE WENT TO SIT NEXT TO HIM.
HI, HE SAYS TO HER. BUSINESS OR VACATION TRIP?
SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND REPLIES WITH A FLIRTING VOICE. WORK, I AM GOING TO THE ANNUAL CONVENTION OF NYMPHOMACS IN THE sTATES.
AND WHAT DO YOU DO EXACTLY IN THAT CONVENTION?
CONFERENCE, SHE REPLIES. I SPEAK FROM MY OWN EXPERIENCE TO DEMISTIFY MANY MYTHS ABOUT SEXUALITY.
REALLY, AND WHAT ARE THOSE MYTHS?

WILL, SHE EXPLAINS: ONE VERY POPULAR IS THAT AFRO-AMERICANS ARE THE BETTER HUNG MEN PHYSICALLYWHEN IN REALITY THE NAVAJOS ARE THE OENS THAT HAVE THAT QUALITY. ANOTHER MYTH VERY POPULAR IS THAT THE FRENCH ARE THE BETTER LOVERS WHEN IN RALITY THE GREEKS ARE THE ONES AND WE ALSO HAVE PROVEN THAT THE BETTER LOVRS IN POTENCY IN ALL CATEGORIES, ARE FROM SPAIN. SUDDENLY SHE GETS ANNOYED AND GETS REDFACED

PARDON ME, SHE TELLS HIM , I SHOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT ALL OF THIS WITH YOU, WHEN I DONT EVEN NO YOUR NAME.

HE RESPONDS: WHITE FEATHER PAPADOPOULOS PEREZ. BUT MY FRIENDS CALL ME MANOLO




.

[saltydad]

Subject: TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US














 



TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!




 


LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:



An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________ _________________________________



FAMILY



Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
________________ ______ ______ _
_______________________________________ ____


"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"



Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________ ________________________________
LITTLE LADY:



A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."

He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take
the soup."
_______________________________________ ________________________ ______
__


OLD FRIENDS:



Now this one is just too Precious...LOL !

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me .. I know we've been friends for a
long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is"

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
______ ________
_______________________________________ _________________


SENIOR DRIVING



As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_______________________________________ ________________________________
< /P>


DRIVING



Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that
she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned
to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did yo u know that we just ran
through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"

_______________________________________ ________________________________


TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!


 

[natsfan1a]

Those are hilarious, salty!

[NatsAddict]

Those are great!  Where'd you get 'em?  Does Boca Raton have its own TV reality show?

[CALSGR8]

Gentle Thoughts for Today--

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement .

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong , you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt <

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way.
I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it's called golf

 

[natsfan1a]

Those are pretty funny!

[CALSGR8]

A friend of mine sent them to me.  A lot of them are pretty cool and soooo true.  Others, like the IRS one is like      Same reaction for the age 40 line.

[natsfan1a]

Q. Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team?
A. Because she ran away from the ball!

[natsfan1a]

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

[2k6nats]

Brilliant!

[ronnynat]

You guys notice #52?

[CALSGR8]

Number 8 is good.

Number 25:  Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."     Hmm, wonder what a particular poster here has in his back yard?   

Number 90 - Love it!

[natsfan1a]

I almost highlighted #25 when I posted it.

Unfortunately, #19 is one of my specialties.

[CALSGR8]

I almost highlighted #25 when I posted it.

Unfortunately, #19 is one of my specialties.

Yeah, I've done that before.