DUMB JOKE

[The Chief]

Selma Epstein made a trip to Cohen’s butcher shop every Thursday in preparation for Shabbat, and one Thursday she saw something most peculiar – a dog walked right into the butcher shop.

"What’ll it be today?" the butcher asked the dog. "Brisket?"

The dog shook his head.

"Roast?" suggested the butcher.

The dog shook his head.

"Lamb?" tried the butcher.

The dog wagged his tail excitedly.

The butcher wrapped up two pieces of lamb, gave them to the dog and the dog trotted out. The same thing happened the following Thursday and Mrs. Epstein was so intrigued that she decided to follow the dog out of the shop. She saw the dog walk up the steps to a house, stand on his hind legs and ring the doorbell with his nose. A man answered the door and immediately started shouting angrily at the dog.

Mrs. Epstein was incensed. "You should be ashamed of yourself," she told the man. "That is the cleverest dog I've ever seen. He goes to the butcher's, fetches your food, brings it home and rings the doorbell. And you treat him like that!"

"That may be," said the man, "but it's the fourth time this month that he's forgotten his key."

[saltydad]

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached it's cruising altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.
The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and.........OH... MY GOD!"

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, Im sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled.......

"For the luvva Jaysus......you should see the back of mine!"

[saltydad]

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

[mitlen]

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

 


Santa's son is named Jess B. Claus.

[imref]

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old dad explained. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Hong Kong and tell her!".

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls her elderly father immediately, and screams at him, "You are not getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, you hear me?" she yelled as she hung up the phone.






The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay", he says, "it's all set. They're both coming for Christmas and paying their own air-fare."

[Frau Mau]

Mother Theresa dies and goes to Heaven. When she gets there through the pearly gates God asks her if she's hungry. She replies that yes, she is. She looks down into Hell and sees them dining on lobster and cavier. She wonders what they eat in Heaven! God pulls out a can of tuna and opens it. Mother Theresa looks at tuna and asks God "why do they dine in luxury down in Hell, yet we're eating canned tuna? Is it to show the same humility we did in life?". God say "no, it's just not worth cooking for two".

[imref]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”