Author Topic: DUMB JOKE  (Read 48127 times)

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Offline 2IPAs

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #300: November 20, 2008, 07:29:45 AM »
Those Irish jokes were great.  :icon_mrgreen: But truth may be stranger than fiction. My real Irish aunt had a heart attack a few years and wound up under the jumper cables in the ER. She revived after a few jolts, looked up at the doctors and mumbled, "Thanks, I needed that!"

Offline NatsAddict

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #301: November 20, 2008, 02:12:51 PM »
Those Irish jokes were great.  :icon_mrgreen: But truth may be stranger than fiction. My real Irish aunt had a heart attack a few years and wound up under the jumper cables in the ER. She revived after a few jolts, looked up at the doctors and mumbled, "Thanks, I needed that!"

That's great!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #302: November 20, 2008, 08:41:09 PM »
$7 SEX
 

A Florida couple, both well into their 70s, go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' 
  
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. 

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. 

This happens several weeks in a row. 


The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?' 

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married so we can't go to her house. 
 
I'm married and we can't go to my house. 
 
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
 
The Hilton charges $139.
 
We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare

Offline NatsAddict

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #303: November 20, 2008, 09:19:52 PM »
$7 SEX
 

A young Florida couple, both well into their 70s, go to a sex therapist's office.

Fixed

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #304: November 25, 2008, 05:26:01 PM »
With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice.
For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in later this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R.
Grace Co.
Will merge and become:

Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and

become:

Poly, Warner, Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and
become:

ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:


Knott NOW!

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:

Titty Titty Bang Bang

And finally...

10. Mother's Jams & Jellies and Smucker's Jams & Jellies will unite to
be:

Mother Smucker's

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #305: November 25, 2008, 05:51:45 PM »
Hey Salty,

Should I send those to my financial advisors?   :rofl:

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #306: December 05, 2008, 02:14:21 AM »
More of Little Johnny

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?'
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in
class....
She called on him and said,
>
> 'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly
replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local
police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,'
said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ?'
>
> * * * * * * * * * * *
>
> Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
>

Offline wpa2629

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #307: December 05, 2008, 02:52:30 PM »
A doe came running out of the woods with a wild look on her face ...

"That's the last time I do that for 2 bucks..."

Offline wpa2629

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #308: December 05, 2008, 02:53:11 PM »
I went to the damn, to get some damn water, the damn man said I couldn't have any damn water, so I told the damn man, to keep his damn water ...

:)

Offline tomterp

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #309: December 05, 2008, 03:07:31 PM »
I went to the damn, to get some damn water, the damn man said I couldn't have any damn water, so I told the damn man, to keep his damn water ...

:)

 :?

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #310: December 13, 2008, 04:03:14 PM »
Warning, Very Punny!

Potato Story


Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots!

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoest ring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?


Are you sure?

*
*

OK! Here it is!

*
*
*
*


A COMMONTATER


Offline wpa2629

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #311: December 14, 2008, 06:23:18 PM »
:?

My 78 year old Aunt June Buggy told me that joke ... :)

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #312: December 15, 2008, 12:06:22 AM »
Slightly blue humor…


 


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches, 'Can I help you Sir?'

'Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr', the man replies.

The cop asks, 'Where was your car the last time you saw it?'

'It wasss on the end of thisshh key', the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's wiener hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, 'Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?'

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out....

'My girlfriend's gone, too!!


Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #313: December 15, 2008, 04:53:18 PM »
My 78 year old Aunt June Buggy told me that joke ... :)

Yes, an elder person sent it to me but the title of the Thread IS DUMB JOKE!

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #314: December 16, 2008, 01:06:57 PM »

A RECENT STUDY FOUND OUT WHICH DAYS MEN PREFER TO HAVE SEX. IT WAS FOUND THAT MEN PREFERRED TO ENGAGE IN SEXUAL ACTIVITY ON THE DAYS THAT STARTED WITH THE LETTER 'T'.
EXAMPLES:
TUESDAY
THURSDAY
TODAY
TOMORROW
THANKSGIVING
THATURDAY
THUNDAY
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A RECENT SURVEY WAS CONDUCTED ALSO TO DISCOVER WHY MEN GET OUT OF BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. HERE ARE THE SURVEY RESULTS:
5% SAID IT WAS TO GET A GLASS OF WATER
12% SAID IT WAS TO GO TO THE BATHROOM
83% SAID IT WAS TO GO HOME
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE PERFECT BREAKFAST...AS A MAN SEES IT.....
YOU'RE SITTING AT THE TABLE AND YOUR SON IS ON THE COVER OF WHEATIES......
YOUR MISTRESS IS ON THE COVER OF PLAYBOY.........
AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.AND YOUR WIFE IS ON THE BACK OF THE MILK CARTON.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE BEST FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL AFTER 50?
NUDITY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
ABOUT 45 LBS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BOYFRIEND AND A HUSBAND?
ABOUT 45 MINUTES
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE FASTEST WAY TO A MAN'S HEART?
THROUGH HIS CHEST WITH A REALLY SHARP KNIFE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A SOUTHERN ZOO AND A20NORTHERN ZOO?
A SOUTHERN ZOO HAS A DESCRIPTION OF THE ANIMAL ON THE FRONT OF THE CAGE, ALONG WITH A RECIPE.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A NORTHERN FAIRYTALE AND A  SOUTHERN FAIRYTALE ?
A  NORTHERN FAIRYTALE BEGINS 'ONCE UPON A TIME.....'
AND A SOUTHERN FAIRY TALE BEGINS........... 'Y'ALL AIN'T GONNA BELIEVE THIS S--T.'


Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #315: December 16, 2008, 01:11:14 PM »
 I was so depressed last night thinking about the current crisis with the economy, that I called Lifeline.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. 
I told them I was suicidal. 
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck. 

Offline 2IPAs

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #316: December 16, 2008, 03:03:13 PM »
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~ WHAT'S THE CUBAN NATIONAL ANTHEM?
ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT........
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
[/quote]

Speaking of which, anyone heard from NoSpin lately?

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #317: January 05, 2009, 05:03:09 AM »
Hey Guys!  Don't make your wives and girlfriends send you to the Doghouse!





Online blue911

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Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #320: January 14, 2009, 10:41:59 AM »

Offline NatsAddict

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #321: January 14, 2009, 09:56:48 PM »

Offline saltydad

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #322: January 15, 2009, 05:40:04 PM »
Calsgr8- loved the Carson bit. Thanks!

Offline tomterp

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #323: January 15, 2009, 09:05:36 PM »
Found this on the ONION:

http://www.theonion.com/content/video/yankees_building_new_vacation

 :rofl:    :worship:

We should steal some of those great ideas, like the concierge bunting service, perfect for Bergmann and Cabrera.

Offline CALSGR8

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Re: DUMB JOKE
« Reply #324: January 15, 2009, 10:25:20 PM »
At least Cabrera has an excuse.  He's been an AL pitcher who doesn't get opportunities to Bunt as NL pitchers too